


No More

by sweet_lives



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, Blood, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-22
Updated: 2016-06-22
Packaged: 2018-07-16 14:05:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7271326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweet_lives/pseuds/sweet_lives
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Killua goes through some tough times to cope with what had happened in the chimera ant arc, it's not the best way at all but it's the only way he can find a place where his mind isn't revolving around everything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No More

Killua knew Gon was having a hard time accepting the way Kite was now...but, none of the training he had to endure all this time, even from a young age, could’ve prepared him for this. Those words, those few, few words that had been spoken to him that day will never leave his mind no matter how much time passes.

He desperately needed to confide to someone about the feelings he was having, but he always had a problem expressing it to others. Even someone as close to him as Gon. The only time he had ever let his feeling override him was when he broke down in front of Palm. 

Killua didn’t know who to talk to about it. If he told Leorio or Kurapika he would have to tell the entire story of who some people were and what was going on and that would take to long, not that it wasn’t worth the effort but he felt like they wouldn’t understand in the end. Also, he didn’t want to tell someone who might go and tell Gon. He definitely didn’t want to go to some stranger to talk his feelings out because...well, it’s none of their business and or concern.

Why did he let Gon’s words affect him so? They’re just words... but they were words from his mouth, directed at him. Killua really admired Gon’s ecstatic energy, he was always optimistic about everything and anything. Death could stare Gon in the face and he would accept it as a friend and into his home. But, once a friend or a loved one is hurt...the tables are turned.

That should be the right reaction for anyone. Everyone handles things in many different ways, especially depending on the type of situation they are in. Gon never had something this drastic happen to him before, so it’s pretty understandable that he would say these things to him. At least that’s what Killua kept telling himself to keep the emotions at bay.

Well there’s a point where it just goes to far. It was obvious Gon wasn’t in the right frame of mind and he had many other things on it as well other than Killua. He’s just not thinking like always, just there as a coincidence if even. Gon was just speaking before thinking like he does with everything. 

Maybe someday he’ll realize what he’s done and he’ll apologize. Hopefully.

\---

It’s been five years since the whole ordeal went down. Nothing had been said between the two “best friends” since their departure. The only thing that had been said was a simple apology from Gon.

That was all he asked for right? Was just a simple “I’m sorry” and everything would be better right? Sadly it just wasn’t enough. Anyone can apologize and not mean it. It’s just that easy to say it, but to actually mean it once it’s spoken is completely different.

He knew that Gon had meant the apology, but it just didn’t feel like an apology can make all the hurtful words go away. They were just words again but, it affected him more than any scar on his entire body has. The scar to the heart...now that was new and could not heal as quickly.

Killua wasn’t the kind of person to afflict self harm onto himself but one day when he had been thinking about Gon and those words that were spoken that day, he had accidently cut himself from making dinner. That single little cut seemed to take his mind away from all the pain in his heart and mind if only for a bit.

Feeling that cut take away the pain from his heart, he took the knife and dug a bit deeper. Watching that crimson red fall from his finger, the color of his heart, his feelings, the pain... it was something he started to crave. He didn’t want to hurt himself, but it was much better than having to look back on that day. That horrible day. Why did it have to happen to him?

Alluka had walked in on Killua just to check how much longer till the food was done. All she could see was blood dripping from Killua’s hand. Rushing towards her brother taking his hand into her own, pulling him to the bathroom in need of tending to it. 

Killua was shocked to see Alluka reacting the way she did. It was just an accident...well it started out as an accident. He could never tell Alluka the way he’s been thinking. He didn’t want to have to worry her. He just wants her to be happy with no troubles in mind and Killua was the last person to want her to be worrying about.

Alluka had just thought it was a simple accident. It never even came into her mind that her brother was inflicting self harm upon himself. It was just something she wouldn’t think her big stronger brother would do. But...she had noticed him acting strangely ever since they had departed from his friend. Gon was his name? It caused her to worry a bit more and decided to send a quick text to someone who could help.

Since the kitchen incident, Killua knew if he were to cut himself it would have to be in places where no one could see. He didn’t want to do it most of the time but, it was just a great pain reliever. It was like taking pain killer but it wasn’t as easy as swallowing a pill.

One night Killua had a dream, or more, a memory of that day. He woke up covered in a film of sweat, cheeks wet from the tears streaming down his face. He sat up quickly, going to the bathroom to try and wash his face to calm down. The memory had hit him harder than a punch to the gut.

He tried taking deep breaths to calm himself down. He couldn’t stop the tears or the shaking, it began to consume his body. Killua desperately wanted that memory to go away. If only it had never happened, his life wouldn’t be the way it is now. He wouldn’t have trouble sleeping, eating, or even going through daily outings with Alluka.

The back of his mind...the darker side spiked a spark, a little voice in his head that Killua thought he had gotten rid of years ago. Apparently it was just lurking, hovering around, waiting patiently till the time came to start pestering the hurt adolescent. It was waiting till he hit a low point before it emerged from the depths of his mind to influence Killua into doing something that would become a huge regret. Something you could never take back.

\---

Alluka woke up to the sound of thumping coming from just down the hallway. She knew that they were safe so she never thought they would get intruders and or robbers. Besides, Killua was a good enough fighter and brother to protect her from harm. Once Alluka heard muffled hiccupping she got up to go check on the noise noticing that the voice sounded familiar.

After following the noise of the voice she ended up in front of Killua’s bedroom door. After knocking on the door a bit she walked in, noticing that he wasn’t in his bed and the sheets seemed like they were thrown. Some were hanging off the bed more so than if you were to just regularly get up. 

She had turned to the bathroom door to see there was a line of light across the bottom of the door. As she walked up to it she had heard something break. She knocked on the door a little louder than you normally would knock on a door. 

She had been yelling for her brother to open the door. Going for the door knob...it was locked. She was scared. Tears started to brim just at the corner of her eyes, she could hear crying and mumbling on the other side of the door. What’s going on in there?!

“KILLUA?!”  
\---

Killua had his claws out. Blood, blood was everywhere. He had dug his claws into his flesh on his hips, thighs, and arms. He didn’t mean to do it so much, the images just wouldn’t stop coming into his mind. “G-Gon...why...why did you do this to me?” He started crying harder, not because of the pain but, because of the memories.

His mind was playing games with him. It made him think more than what had truly happened. The voice wouldn’t go away and Killua started to get dizzy from the loss of blood. He feel over knocking the mug for his and Alluka’s toothbrushes over onto the floor, crashing.

“He never loved you. Who would love someone like you...a killer.” 

“Your wrong...h-he was my friend and I was his-“

“No. He was never yours to begin with. Nothing is, so why not just end it. It’s what you want right?”

“N-no...i can’t Alluka will be alone.”

“She has others that could take much better care of her than you.”

“...b-but...she would miss me”

“No, she would forget you in such little time it’s not even worth staying alive. Besides, all you care about is Gon”

“Y-your wrong...”

“OH REALLY? Now you’re the wrong one HAHA.”

The laughter was echoing through Killua’s head. Maybe he was right...Alluka would be better off with someone not messed up like himself. He would just be the cause of more pain to her and others.

Killua retracted his claws at the sound of another voice coming from the other side of the door. Everything started to spin and go fuzzy. “A-Alluka?” He couldn’t stay awake much longer...he just wanted to...sleep.

Killua started closing his eyes before the door broke open. Who was that? Killua couldn’t make out the intruders face. He knew it wasn’t Alluka because of the much shorter hair. “W-who?”

The stranger had ran up to Killua and picked him up. The last thing Killua remembered was a vibrant green jacket. “G-Gon...” Everything went black.

**Author's Note:**

> THANK YOU FOR READING!! I had written this a long time ago *cough* two years ago *cough* roughly at least. I find it much easier to write angst when i'm mad/going through tough times :') I'm fine now!! Though i feel like this actually came out very good X'D I hate angst too but HERE THIS IS!! feedback would be awesome :D


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